How to get along with your bosses

A lot of people struggle with a strained relationship with their bosses. In fact, almost every other employee I coach says that their manager is toxic. They’ll call them narcissistic, controlling, or even psychopathic. But here’s the truth: are all these bosses really toxic? Or is there more psychology at play?

The modern workplace is a pressure cooker. Companies are fighting for survival in cut-throat markets, and deadlines are tighter than ever. Bosses, under this pressure, become demanding — and employees, on the receiving end, often feel suffocated. It’s no surprise that so many label their bosses “toxic.”

But let’s zoom out for a moment. Human beings are biologically lazy. Laziness is not a flaw; it’s an evolutionary adaptation that helped us conserve energy in the jungle and survive predators. The problem is, that biology hasn’t changed even though we now sit in corporate offices instead of caves.

In the manager–employee dynamic, this plays out in predictable ways. Managers want everything done fast but don’t want to “waste” energy mentoring or explaining. Employees, on the other hand, try to conserve energy by avoiding full ownership of deliverables or wriggling out of impossible deadlines. Put these two imperfect humans together — the energy-saving boss and the energy-saving employee — and chaos erupts. Bosses use authority to push, employees resist, and soon the manager is perceived as toxic, controlling, or unreasonable.

Yes, research does suggest that a small percentage of managers display psychopathic or narcissistic traits. But in my coaching work — having conducted 600+ workshops on leadership, productivity, and mental health with leaders from Apple, Google, Microsoft, Deloitte, Amazon, and more — I’ve noticed that employees almost universally describe their bosses as toxic, even when the reality is more nuanced.

So what’s the way out? Here’s a 3-step framework to fix strained boss–employee relationships:

1. Take ownership of your side first. Even if the boss is 90% at fault and you only 10%, fix your 10% first. Why? Because ownership builds credibility, and credibility creates influence. Extreme ownership means taking responsibility for deadlines, deliverables, and your growth before pointing fingers.

2. Managers must invest energy in development. A boss who only demands outcomes but never invests in mentoring is bound to be perceived as toxic. Managers need to train, coach, and create clarity — not just apply pressure. That investment reduces resistance.

3. Employees must proactively seek support. Instead of waiting for the manager to notice struggles, employees should take initiative. Schedule clarifying conversations, ask for feedback, and show willingness to grow. This flips the dynamic from reactive to proactive.

At the heart of it, if you want to have a functional relationship with any human being — especially a boss — take ownership. Fix your side of the problem first, and then invite the other side to do the same. That’s how strained relationships shift from toxic stand-offs into collaborative partnerships.

The truth is simple: your boss may not be as toxic as you think — the real toxicity lies in two people avoiding responsibility. And the cure is extreme ownership.